I broke down for the first time since May.
[I want to write this in chronological order, the ones I met earlier one to the most recent.]
Janice (lui lui) Feng,
Out of everyone I’ve met my whole life, you’ve stuck by me the longest. I can’t even remember when our baba - luilui relationship started. I do, however, remember that you started off by hating me. I forgot how we reconciled our differences and became such great friends. Words can not describe how special you are (but i’m trying now). Throughout all these years, you have always stood by me. Whenever I was being a little girl, you remind me that you’re my little girl and I should man up. Whenever problems brings me down, you tell me reasons to bring myself back up. Whenever life gets to the point it’s so dark that I can’t seem to move on, you provide some short of light. Even that time when you were mad at me because of neopets, (I really did not hack your account. Swear by all of this.) you still stood by my side. You have always been such an optimistic and bright star in my life, if it wasn’t for you, I would be less of who I am today. I feel blessed to have met you. Even if we share quite a small number of memories compared to your other friends, each and every single one was memorable. I’ve seen you change quite a lot over the years, but still you stuck by a loser like me. Thank you so much all these years for being my best friend, my lui, and my shining star. You’re strong, beautiful, and smart. You’re a wonderful person, inside and out, so please don’t change or belittle yourself. I love you.
Nigga, it’s been quite awhile huh? I know you don’t really like crap like this and you will definitely rip it apart when editing it. But, Ho, you really changed my life. We met at Florentine, prepping for the SHSAT, who knew that we would end up in the same highschool and become such great friends? I was surprised when I found out you were going to Science, thought you were Stuy material. However, freshmen year came and our little group was formed. Thank you so much for staying by my side all throughout highschool and even now. You have tolerated so much of my bullshit, talked to me about so many shit, done so much stupid shit with me, motivated me to do better in my life, motivated me to pursue goals and dreams even if they seem far-reached, trained me in handball, and most importantly becoming like a brother to me. I don’t believe in best friends, but you definitely fit that category. I feel as if I owe you so much, but I bet to you, we’re equal with no debt to one another. Once again, thank you for shaping me into the person I am today, thank you for instilling some of your moral character in me, thank you for staying by my side, thank you for being a bro, and most importantly, thank you for being yourself and still finding me worthy of being your best friend.
It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote anything on tumblr. For some weird reason I feel like giving thanks to my blessings two weeks before Thanksgiving. I feel as if, this is the right moment, this is the moment to give thanks to the many people who have made my life wonderful. The many people who has all changed me in one way or another, the many people who, if given a chance, I want them to read my little excerpt for them.
To start off, I’ll start with my family. This wonderful family of mine has been through so much together. I feel lucky and blessed that we are still standing strong together. It’s like a roller coaster ride, at times life just cruises by, at times it’s a hard rocky climb, and at times life just passes by so quickly. I love my family and even if I am given the chance to live in some wonderful upper class family, I would never give up this family of mine.
Daddy and Mommy-
Thank you for putting up with so much of my bullshit through these 19 years. I know life is definitely hard for you guys, but at each and every turn you would always try to make life seem a bit brighter.
Dad, I would like to apologize for the arguments that we had. I know you regret making certain choices during your younger years and I respect you for trying to fix the consequences. No matter how good I do, no matter how bad I am, you’ve always looked at me disapprovingly. When I was younger, I spite you for that. I wish that you would look at me and say good job, say I’m proud of you, or something as simple as a hug. However, now I’ve matured. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not letting me become some rascal on the streets. I’m sorry if arguing seems to be the only way we can communicate. I will try to change it because you definitely deserve better.
Mommy, I love you so much and you’re my world. Those words are the closest things to describing how much you mean to me. For as long as I can remember, you have always looked out for me. You have always stood by my side, through the right and wrong, the thick and the thin, and since I was conceived in your belly. I’m really glad I had you as that supporting pillar in my life. Through each time dad would put me down, you bring me up. Through the times I confide my problems [that you probably won’t understand or relate to] and you would always listen. Through all those times I have disappointed you or made you angry, you always smiled at me and told me you still love me. To be honest, I would really love the idea of staying in the city and attending NYU just so I can be by your side. I know life is hard now, but we have got through worst. So for now, I just want to say how much you mean to me, how much you’ve made me a respectful young man, and most importantly thank you for putting me on the road to success. I know I must walk the rest of the way myself, but I promise you, even if I don’t reach the peak of my goal, I’ll try to get as close to it as possible.
Slowsan, sisteroo, mui, you definitely made life better for me. When I was young I loved how much you love me. It felt so good to be looked up to, felt so good to have you run into my arms just because you wanted to, felt so good to have company, and felt so good to know I have a younger sister. Even if I do not admit it, I am definitely proud of you. Please fill in my shoes and outgrow them, you have that potential. You’re annoying, you’re stubborn, you’re irrational, you’re a pain in the ass, but in the end, you’ll always be that younger sister I want to protect. We have good times and bad times, but through all of it I learned to care for someone special to me. Thank you for enduring all my bullshit, my temper, my immaturity, and most importantly of all, my ego.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
- Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
- Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
- Play more games.
- Read more books than you did in 2010.
- Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
- Sleep for 7 hours.
- Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
- Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
- Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
- Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
- Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
- Dream more while you are awake.
- Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
- Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
- Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
- Smile and laugh more.
- You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
- Call your family often.
- Each day give something good to others.
- Forgive everyone for everything.
- Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
- Try to make at least three people smile each day.
- What other people think of you is none of your business.
- Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
- Do the right thing!
- Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
- However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
- No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- The best is yet to come.
- Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
(Sorry luilui, I think I have to get this out of my system)
I used to love reading those romantic stories of how a boy wins a girl’s heart. It seems like a fairy tale; how a guy can magically make a girl fall for him. Today, I read a story similar to that phenomenon and guess what? It got me thinking. This past weekend I just decided that I won’t give a crap anymore, that education comes first, that it’s too much work. But as I read these tumblr posts, how if a friend only wants to be a friend, it means he/she doesn’t feel like putting in the effort. How, a guy decides to prove the girl wrong, talks to her for the longest time, tries to show her he is that guy, and then BOOM he wins her heart. How, strangely enough there are so many posts that a girl wants a guy to do “xyz” for her, but why don’t they add a little something like: “the guy should attract the girl and not come off as creepy as he do things for her.”
My facebook status, something along the lines of, ” Tumblr isn’t healthy for me, putting strange ideas in my brain.” reflects the thing I described above. These ideas that maybe, just maybe I can win her heart. This thought alone shows how weak I am. I came back from Binghamton this weekend with the resolve that I won’t care anymore. I shouldn’t even try for something that will only bring stress and problems. Why is it that tumblr posts describes it as someone not trying? To be honest, I have no clue fakdjsgkljahjhlakjdgl;!
Edit: Okay. So my brain is something like this. I shouldn’t care. If I care, knowing me, I’ll end up being jealous. If I care, she won’t treat me the same. If I care, there is nothing good out of it, she won’t even let me try. If I care, there’s no point because she doesn’t care. If I care, I’ll just end up slowly stressing myself out. If I care, maybe, just maybe, I’ll touch her heart and she’ll see me the way I see her, beautiful even with imperfections.The thing though, is that the old me would probably give it my 100% and try to win her heart. The current me is afraid, scared of anything that will bring me down, too pessimistic to try. So, should I still follow my resolve and not care? I don’t want to let go of someone special, because it did take me awhile to find her. (Stupid tumblr making me think maybe I have hope) The wise choice, the one I actually tried to follow, makes sense because it’ll put me back on that academic route. It’ll put me back in my little castle where I won’t get hurt. It’ll basically put me at the beginning of a road I have never walked before… What to do..?
I don’t get that urge anymore. I think the main reasons why I constantly abandon tumblr after each “return” is simply the fact I don’t and can’t write. I type something out and then within a second, I delete it. I keep feeling that it’s not good enough. I am a college student, yet my writing is still so mediocre. Actually, no, it’s not even mediocre. To me, I feel like everything I write comes out repetitive and without life. What happened to the enthusiasm I used to employ in my writing? I miss reading my own text and feeling proud, I miss being able to express myself poetically, and most of all I miss writing something with essence.
*writers block, again…*
Every Girl`s Dream:
- Get kissed in the rain.
- Have that one hot kiss where your pressed against the wall.
- Have a guy who thinks she`s the world.
- Have a guy who holds on as long as possible when giving hugs.
- A guy who whispers he loves her in her ears.
- Have that moment where you just gaze into each others eyes.
- When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
- When you`re not with your guy he`s all that you can think about.
- Wearing his jacket and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds you.
- A guy who will watch any movie with her, no matter how teary eyed she may get.
- A guy who squeezes her hand.
- A guy who says he loves her and means it.
- A guy who will play her favorite song outside her window.
- A guy who is loyal.
- A guy who will sing to her no matter how bad he is at it.
- A guy who will kiss her on the forehead.
- A guy who will call her beautiful or adorable. Not hot, fine, or sexy.
- A guy who will never judge her for how she looks.
- A guy who says cheezy stuff to her just to make her smile.
- A guy who`s the same when he is with her and when with friends.
- A guy who tells her everything honestly.
- A guy who`s good with her family and introduces her to his family.
- A guy who will always let her win.
- A guy who stands up for her no matter who it is against.
- A guy who calls her at night just to say ‘hi’ and see how her day has been.
- A guy who tells her that her smile makes his day and makes everything better.
- A guy who will sit on the phone with her when she`s sad, even if she`s quiet.
- A guy who she can hangout and have fun with.
- A guy who will just randomly call her for no reason at all, just because he misses her.
- A guy who will hold her hand through the roughest parts of life.
- A guy who would love her forever no matter the circumstance.
- A guy who wouldn`t mind her wanting to get all dressed up and do herr make up for him. Even if he says he likes her better without make up.
- A guy who runs his fingers through her hair, like he’s washing her worries and troubles away.
- A guy whom she can be herself with and he will never give a care and would still tell her that she`s amazing to him.
Reblogging this soooo I can read it whenever I need it! Genius!