Do what you can, with what you have, where you are

I broke down for the first time since May.

productofanaddiction:

http://-coveritup.tumblr.com

[I want to write this in chronological order, the ones I met earlier one to the most recent.]

Janice (lui lui) Feng,

Out of everyone I’ve met my whole life, you’ve stuck by me the longest. I can’t even remember when our baba - luilui relationship started. I do, however, remember that you started off by hating me. I forgot how we reconciled our differences and became such great friends. Words can not describe how special you are (but i’m trying now). Throughout all these years, you have always stood by me. Whenever I was being a little girl, you remind me that you’re my little girl and I should man up. Whenever problems brings me down, you tell me reasons to bring myself back up. Whenever life gets to the point it’s so dark that I can’t seem to move on, you provide some short of light. Even that time when you were mad at me because of neopets, (I really did not hack your account. Swear by all of this.) you still stood by my side. You have always been such an optimistic and bright star in my life, if it wasn’t for you, I would be less of who I am today. I feel blessed to have met you. Even if we share quite a small number of memories compared to your other friends, each and every single one was memorable. I’ve seen you change quite a lot over the years, but still you stuck by a loser like me. Thank you so much all these years for being my best friend, my lui, and my shining star. You’re strong, beautiful, and smart. You’re a wonderful person, inside and out, so please don’t change or belittle yourself. I love you.

David Ho,

Nigga, it’s been quite awhile huh? I know you don’t really like crap like this and you will definitely rip it apart when editing it. But, Ho, you really changed my life. We met at Florentine, prepping for the SHSAT, who knew that we would end up in the same highschool and become such great friends? I was surprised when I found out you were going to Science, thought you were Stuy material. However, freshmen year came and our little group was formed. Thank you so much for staying by my side all throughout highschool and even now. You have tolerated so much of my bullshit, talked to me about so many shit, done so much stupid shit with me, motivated me to do better in my life, motivated me to pursue goals and dreams even if they seem far-reached, trained me in handball, and most importantly becoming like a brother to me. I don’t believe in best friends, but you definitely fit that category. I feel as if I owe you so much, but I bet to you, we’re equal with no debt to one another. Once again, thank you for shaping me into the person I am today, thank you for instilling some of your moral character in me, thank you for staying by my side, thank you for being a bro, and most importantly, thank you for being yourself and still finding me worthy of being your best friend.

It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote anything on tumblr. For some weird reason I feel like giving thanks to my blessings two weeks before Thanksgiving. I feel as if, this is the right moment, this is the moment to give thanks to the many people who have made my life wonderful. The many people who has all changed me in one way or another, the many people who, if given a chance, I want them to read my little excerpt for them. 

To start off, I’ll start with my family. This wonderful family of mine has been through so much together. I feel lucky and blessed that we are still standing strong together. It’s like a roller coaster ride, at times life just cruises by, at times it’s a hard rocky climb, and at times life just passes by so quickly. I love my family and even if I am given the chance to live in some wonderful upper class family, I would never give up this family of mine.

Daddy and Mommy-

Thank you for putting up with so much of my bullshit through these 19 years. I know life is definitely hard for you guys, but at each and every turn you would always try to make life seem a bit brighter.

Dad, I would like to apologize for the arguments that we had. I know you regret making certain choices during your younger years and I respect you for trying to fix the consequences. No matter how good I do, no matter how bad I am, you’ve always looked at me disapprovingly. When I was younger, I spite you for that. I wish that you would look at me and say good job, say I’m proud of you, or something as simple as a hug. However, now I’ve matured. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for not letting me become some rascal on the streets. I’m sorry if arguing seems to be the only way we can communicate. I will try to change it because you definitely deserve better.

Mommy, I love you so much and you’re my world. Those words are the closest things to describing how much you mean to me. For as long as I can remember, you have always looked out for me. You have always stood by my side, through the right and wrong, the thick and the thin, and since I was conceived in your belly. I’m really glad I had you as that supporting pillar in my life. Through each time dad would put me down, you bring me up. Through the times I confide my problems [that you probably won’t understand or relate to] and you would always listen. Through all those times I have disappointed you or made you angry, you always smiled at me and told me you still love me. To be honest, I would really love the idea of staying in the city and attending NYU just so I can be by your side. I know life is hard now, but we have got through worst. So for now, I just want to say how much you mean to me, how much you’ve made me a respectful young man, and most importantly thank you for putting me on the road to success. I know I must walk the rest of the way myself, but I promise you, even if I don’t reach the peak of my goal, I’ll try to get as close to it as possible.

Slowsan, sisteroo, mui, you definitely made life better for me. When I was young I loved how much you love me. It felt so good to be looked up to, felt so good to have you run into my arms just because you wanted to, felt so good to have company, and felt so good to know I have a younger sister. Even if I do not admit it, I am definitely proud of you. Please fill in my shoes and outgrow them, you have that potential. You’re annoying, you’re stubborn, you’re irrational, you’re a pain in the ass, but in the end, you’ll always be that younger sister I want to protect. We have good times and bad times, but through all of it I learned to care for someone special to me. Thank you for enduring all my bullshit, my temper, my immaturity, and most importantly of all, my ego. 

Last night I had the best dream in quite awhile. I woke up with a big smile on my face even though I overslept for two classes. If only everything that happened in my dream was true, then boy would today been the best day this year.

(Sorry luilui, I think I have to get this out of my system)

I used to love reading those romantic stories of how a boy wins a girl’s heart. It seems like a fairy tale; how a guy can magically make a girl fall for him. Today, I read a story similar to that phenomenon and guess what? It got me thinking. This past weekend I just decided that I won’t give a crap anymore, that education comes first, that it’s too much work. But as I read these tumblr posts, how if a friend only wants to be a friend, it means he/she doesn’t feel like putting in the effort. How, a guy decides to prove the girl wrong, talks to her for the longest time, tries to show her he is that guy, and then BOOM he wins her heart. How, strangely enough there are so many posts that a girl wants a guy to do “xyz” for her, but why don’t they add a little something like: “the guy should attract the girl and not come off as creepy as he do things for her.” 

My facebook status, something along the lines of, ” Tumblr isn’t healthy for me, putting strange ideas in my brain.” reflects the thing I described above. These ideas that maybe, just maybe I can win her heart. This thought alone shows how weak I am. I came back from Binghamton this weekend with the resolve that I won’t care anymore. I shouldn’t even try for something that will only bring stress and problems. Why is it that tumblr posts describes it as someone not trying? To be honest, I have no clue fakdjsgkljahjhlakjdgl;! 

Edit: Okay. So my brain is something like this. I shouldn’t care. If I care, knowing me, I’ll end up being jealous. If I care, she won’t treat me the same. If I care, there is nothing good out of it, she won’t even let me try. If I care, there’s no point because she doesn’t care. If I care, I’ll just end up slowly stressing myself out. If I care, maybe, just maybe, I’ll touch her heart and she’ll see me the way I see her, beautiful even with imperfections. 

The thing though, is that the old me would probably give it my 100% and try to win her heart. The current me is afraid, scared of anything that will bring me down, too pessimistic to try. So, should I still follow my resolve and not care? I don’t want to let go of someone special, because it did take me awhile to find her. (Stupid tumblr making me think maybe I have hope) The wise choice, the one I actually tried to follow, makes sense because it’ll put me back on that academic route. It’ll put me back in my little castle where I won’t get hurt. It’ll basically put me at the beginning of a road I have never walked before… What to do..? 

I don’t get that urge anymore. I think the main reasons why I constantly abandon tumblr after each “return” is simply the fact I don’t and can’t write. I type something out and then within a second, I delete it. I keep feeling that it’s not good enough. I am a college student, yet my writing is still so mediocre. Actually, no, it’s not even mediocre. To me, I feel like everything I write comes out repetitive and without life. What happened to the enthusiasm I used to employ in my writing? I miss reading my own text and feeling proud, I miss being able to express myself poetically, and most of all I miss writing something with essence. 

*writers block, again…*